Written by: Srđan Puhalo
The other day, the advisor to the President of the Republic of Srpska, Marko Romić, sent a message from America that “Trump wants to bring back the spirit of family gathering to America”, and then he added, “What is important for the Republic of Srpska, something that the President of the Republic of Srpska, Milorad Dodik, has advocated since the first days of his political activity, are family values and true primordial values. Trump wants to bring back the spirit of family gathering to America and has very strongly opposed the gender ideology and platform of the LGBT population through several decrees”.
Young Romić does not know or does not want to know that Donald Trump has been married three times, and it is difficult to say who he has fucked in the meantime, so much for his family values. Young Romić does not know or does not want to know that Elon Musk has also been married three times and preferring not to use contraception is one of his family values.
But let’s get back to family values, what exactly does that mean?
Family comes first. You have to admit that this sounds nice, but which family? The nuclear one that was formed in our country during socialism (father, mother and two children) or those family cooperatives (several families in a community) that dominated before World War II. It is nice when the family is complete, functional and economically stable, but what if it is not? Should a woman obey a man and a man respect a woman, as priests tell us at church weddings? Is family more important than the satisfaction of a husband and wife? Should one of the dissatisfied spouses ruin his or her life for the sake of the other partner and children? Is a good divorce or a bad marriage better? How much abuse of a partner should be tolerated and endured for the sake of the family?
The family must be united. I agree, but does that mean that a woman must obey her husband or is it a matter of mutual respect? The Bible nicely says “wives are to submit to their husbands as to the Lord, because the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, he as the Savior of his body”. Again, what if the family is not united? Who should be silent and suffer or is it good for the partners to separate. What means are allowed to be used to achieve harmony in the family? In our country, physical violence is traditionally most often used, followed by verbal, psychological, economic and most often against women, but there are always exceptions.
A family without children is not a family. There is nothing to philosophize or to be smart about. Why are you getting married, if you are not going to procreate. You are not only making children for yourself, but also for our people and our Republic of Srpska. All these children are future soldiers. Of course, it is difficult to say how many children to have, tradition is a changing thing. My grandmother had eight of them, my mother had two, so decide for yourself between these. Is it a shame to be a single mother and do we blame it on feminism?
The woman is the three pillars of the family, and the father is one. I know you often hear this popular phrase and it is a clear message to us about the place of a woman in the family. Her place is in the house. She is the one who has to enable the flawless functioning of the household, takes care of the children, her husband, and why not her parents and her husband’s. Therefore, she has no time to be employed. It is the husband who needs to earn to feed his family, but I am not sure that one average salary is enough to feed a family of four. You see how family values can be dangerous for men too, if they do not meet the expectations of the community. Taking care of parents is a special concern, how to help them in old age, when pensions are small, salaries are insufficient, and they are becoming more and more sick, immobile and demented. Nursing homes have turned into overly expensive infirmaries for dying.
A family should be religious and respect our tradition. I have no problem with a married couple arranging and organizing their life in accordance with their religious beliefs. I have no problem as long as they do it voluntarily and of their own accord. Any imposition is out of the question. Again, we know that love is strange and quite irrational and what about those families that are atheist or where couples are of different faiths, should they be ashamed of that or should we reject and despise them?
My aunt was forbidden to go to school because it is not for women, is this our tradition that I should apply to my daughter?
What about abortion, divorce, and adultery? Family values say that this is not good, but it still happens. We know almost nothing about abortion, because there are no valid statistics, especially since private clinics have existed. If abortion is one of the most dangerous contraceptive methods for women’s health, why do not you educate young people on how to protect themselves from unwanted pregnancy? I have already talked about divorce, is a good divorce or a bad marriage better? Adultery is a sin, but our tradition says that it is a slightly lesser sin for men than for women. Trump, oh mighty!
In a society of wild capitalism in which individuals and families are left to their own devices, with little help from the system, talking about family values is pure populism or the most elegant way to shift the entire burden of the system’s dysfunction onto the father and mother, as the main culprits for everything that is happening.
Also, dreaming about the good old days is melodious, but those times will never return. Women will neither stop getting educated, nor will they stop getting jobs, nor will they give up their right to vote. Abstaining from sex before marriage has long been ridiculed among young people, the man as the sole breadwinner of the family is already an endemic species.
There is no going back to the old days, and not everything that is new means that it is good.
Family values are as good as they contribute to the satisfaction of each family member, when are a personal choice of the family, when lead to compromise, tolerance and better functionality of the family. Family values change as the family changes and neither Trump, nor Dodik, nor Orban, nor Putin can stop or prevent this.
P.S. Gender and gender identity are not ideologies, but verified scientific facts and Councilor Romić should know and respect this, no matter how much he hates it.
(The text was written in cooperation with the Helsinki Citizens’ Assembly within the project “Our Resistance”, supported by the Swedish foundation Kvinna till Kvinna and UK International Development.)
Photo: www.fotobaza.bih